Much Adoo- doo About Toilet Paper

Once upon a time and not too long ago, Granny Hat and Dad found themselves stranded in Death Valley at the Natural Bridge Canyon trailhead, 20 miles or so south of Furnace Creek on Badwater Rd.  They had enjoyed several days of off-road adventure, hunting down Nevadan ghost towns and old mines in a stick-shift, four-wheel drive XTerra. Maybe the poor car was tired or maybe there is substance to the tales about strange happenings in the desert.  In any event, upon returning from the hike, Dad could not get that car to turn over.   

Many of Granny’s fellow outdoor tourists were Good Samaritans.  One home- school- road- tripping family from Maine was very excited to try out their brand-new jumper cable kit and sighed in unison when it didn’t work. They promised to report the stranded vehicle to the Visitor Center on their way out of the valley.  Next was an Army veteran with a beefy pickup truck who towed Dad down the hill while he attempted to start it in gear, engaging the clutch.  Nada.  At least the tow resulted in a better parking position right at the highway where a ranger would see the car with its open hood. 

Then it dawned on Granny!  National Park employees had just been scattered to the winds in the new DOGE house cleaning frenzy.  What if a ranger never drove by?  She also learned quickly that there is very little cell service in Death Valley and no 911 availability except for at the Ranger Station and Visitor Center.  

Death Valley has a published survival list which includes plenty of water, CHECK!  Also, extra food and snacks, CHECK!  Hats and sunscreen, CHECK!  Perhaps they should add Satphones, a drone, flares and supplies for smoke signals to the list. 

Fifteen minutes into the wait, a friendly NPS ranger named Lindsey drove up.  Granny expressed thankfulness for the nice family that had alerted the rangers.  She quickly assured her that she hadn’t been at the ranger station; she was on her way back from a day of work when she just happened to spot the stranded car. She offered to give Granny Hat a ride to Furnace Creek to contact AAA, leaving Dad with the car. (He later reported a long list of offered help from hikers, even ones with California plates! Very few things can live in the salt flats and rock outcroppings of the lowest, hottest point in the United States; a few pup fish, tiny spiders, the occasional lizard. But apparently the milk of human kindness is still alive and well, even in Death Valley. It gives Granny hope in her fellow man, or woman, of course.) 

Lindsey quickly moved several packages of toilet paper from the front seat of her ranger vehicle, shoving it into the back seat on top of piles of more TP to make room for Granny Hat to ride.  She explained that she is a maintenance ranger whose job it is to stock the porta potties at the trailheads all around the valley.  She said it takes 2 – 3 hours to drive the route, hitting all the heads. 

Granny Hat loves to meet new people and make conversation, so she asked the young ranger if the park had felt any impact from the DOGE cuts.  Lindsey was eager to share on this topic and reported she was let go initially but hired back three weeks later.  She added that Death Valley already operates with a skeleton crew, no one wants to work there.  And she is considered an essential ranger because of her heroic work delivering the important papers.   

Then Ranger Lindsey uttered the show stopping words: “Trump’s budget cuts are also going to impact our stock of Toilet Paper; we only have enough right now for one more month”.  When asked what would happen to the porta potties, she solemnly said they would have to close them down, especially in the outskirts of the valley where all the really cool hidden treasures and obscure hikes are.  There was almost a tear running down the ranger’s cheek.  

This really hit Granny Hat right in the gut! What?  No TP? No desert biffies?  Alert the National Park Service immediately!  They need to warn the public by adding the following to their survival list: 

1. BYOTP 

2. Manage your own crap 

3. Leave no trace 

Granny Hat really thought America had put Toilet Paper shortages and rationing behind.  The pandemic taught her much, but she was naive to think it was the supply and demand war to end all supply and demand wars.  Toilet Paper may very well be the canary in the coal mine for any economic, medical or political disaster.   

For example, Granny Hat was at Costco the other day and noticed carts piled extra high with Kirkland brand important papers. What now? Then on her way home from town, Granny heard the talking heads on the radio discussing tariffs, supply chains and recriminatory actions by her neighbor to the north where the paper mill trees grow.  It added up. When tariff threats roll out, TP purchases begin rolling into pantries across the fruited plain.  After all, a Toilet Paper shortage is a national emergency of epic proportions!  Furthermore, it totally stinks!  No one wants to get caught with their pants down on this one. 

Granny is a boomer who grew up in the golden age where TP grew on trees and was next to free.  Way before tagging became ubiquitous, the prank of the day was toilet papering houses.  Everyone’s larder had plenty of the stuff, parents didn’t even notice if their teen vagrants pinched some for a midnight lark in the neighborhood.  These days, Toilet Paper is gold, a prized possession to be guarded and meted out conservatively. Reader, you will notice that at $7 a dozen, no one is egging houses anymore either! 

Granny Hat digresses, back to the adventure of the Valley of Death.  Granny was able to contact AAA at the ranger station and then settled in to wait 5 hours for the tow truck to drive out from Pahrump, Nevada. Yeah, she had never heard of that town either.  She worried down some free coffee at the ranger station and then decided to make good use of the lovely flush toilets at the visitor center while there was still an abundance of TP. 

Sunset was closing in, so she was very happy to see that bright yellow Two Star Towing rig pull in. The driver was quite a character. Granny is not in the habit of hitching rides with desert rat type strangers from places like Pahrump, but she jumped up into that truck with complete confidence. It’s revealing what being stranded will do to normal routines and habits of one’s life.  Desperate times call for desperate measures – any port in a storm and all that. Jerry was suddenly Granny’s best friend, second only to Lindsey the TP Superhero. 

After picking up Dad, who had stayed busy eating most of the snacks and drinking all the water in the XTerra, Jerry drove Granny, her better half and the tired four-wheeler into town, swapping tall tales and Death Valley stories all the way.  Jerry’s bread and butter is towing abandoned cars out of the fiery furnace but that’s an involved discussion for another day.  The adventure turned out to be not so bad, car was easily fixed and road trip resumed. 

Granny Hat and Dad always learn valuable life lessons on their road trips.  They meet interesting people, marvel at God’s creation and make unexpected discoveries along the way.

They also learn to be thankful for life’s simple pleasures and conveniences.  Next time you cross paths with a National Park Ranger (if you can even find one) be sure to thank him or her for their service, especially the maintenance crew.  They are the unsung heroes of our National Park System. They keep everything running smoothly. 

And just to put things in perspective……. 

Google reveals that some form of early “Toilet Paper” (more like silk squares or soft bark) dates to early AD Chinese dynasties.  The modern TP that exists today originated in 1857 in America when Joseph Gayetty created a product called “Medicated Paper, for the Water Closet”. Whether one believes in a young earth or not, these papers we can’t live without are relatively new on the block. No need to panic, life will go on with or without the soft, cushiony rolls. 

PS.  A word to the wise, stock up on TP just in case, but don’t be a hoarder.  And take a tip from Granny’s dad, the late great septic system pundit, use important papers sparingly. You may be flush with plenty now, but you never know when you will run out or why. Besides, too much paperwork can clog the system real fast; just ask any fed.  And, whatever you do, don’t waste Toilet Paper like Granny Hat and her friend Kim did years ago when they decided to toilet paper Granny’s own house, but that’s also a story for another day.  Oh, one more tip, a dead-ringer stock tip: since TP will always be a much-desired commodity, buy Kirkland shares immediately. 

Desert Burros, Hobo Hot Springs (stumbled on this one out in the middle of nowhere – lovely 100 degree spring soak on a windy 45 degree day, Weird Desert Art at Rhyolite Ghost Town, Granny’s Better Half pointing out geologic interests.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me” Psalm 23

Happy Resurrection Day, readers! Because He lives, we can face tomorrow.