You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Granny Hat’s “better half” spent Independence Day 2019 rafting down the Colorado River, through the Grand Canyon, sleeping under the stars, showering in water falls and eating desserts out of dutch ovens.  This was the trip of a lifetime, adventuring downriver in a huge pontoon raft with 14 other explorers including son Christopher and grandsons Dakota and Caden.

While keeping the home fires burning Granny decided to launch her own epic adventure, the next Ultralight Life step. You see, something recently motivated Granny Hat more than Marie Kondo ever could.  While dropping off boxes of junk at her favorite thrift store, Granny spotted this creepy book, Crap At My Parent’s House  staring up at her.  She was terrified to even open it, what if her own knick-knacks and habits were listed on the pages?   She wondered “could my kids have conspired to author this shocking title?”  Granny was seized with fear and urgency!  It was time to resume the ultralight purge. She promised herself she would tackle the clothing the next time dad was gone; he does love all his 120 shirts.  So Granny opened up her closets and YES, things fell out.  Her first thought was that some wardrobes are mysterious, leading to magical lands of lamp posts and sleigh rides. But not Granny’s, there was no way she could even step inside!

The Kondo minimalism method recommends piling  every piece of clothing you own on your bed before sorting through it all, deciding what to keep wearing and what to donate. Hundreds of Hoarders are blindly following these instructions and learning very quickly that it is easier to toss hats and jerseys in a donation bag than hang them back up or neatly roll and stack in drawers.  Besides, Marie promises that if your clothes no longer bring you “joy”, throwing them away certainly will make you happy and give you back the control you were born to wield. Thrift shops across the nation are buried in clothing because of Kondomania; many have closed their donation gates.  Granny Hat was fighting the clock on finding new homes for her once loved duds but she decided to take matters into her own hands and “Do it My Way”  for the following reasons.

1. Granny’s king size bed is not big enough for all the clothing
2. It would take more than a day to sort what fell out of those closets; she wants to sleep in her own bed tonight.
3. Granny is a rebel, if “everyone else” is piling Tshirts, underwear and socks on beds than she is going to be more creative.

Granny Hat decided to captain her own raft trip. First step was to inflate a three man Explorer raft, surely it would have plenty of room for anything the closet delivered up. She gathered all the socks, scarves, pants, dresses, jackets, shirts, sweaters and hats, dragging them outside under the trees.  There may have been a wheelbarrow involved.  The pile of clothing grew higher and higher in the raft.

Granny Hat learned so much on the 4th of July!  She learned that the Kondo method of piling the clothes is brilliant because it devalues them.  Even the snappiest three piece suit or elegant evening dress has no dignity whatsoever lying crumpled on the heap along with the painting shirts and moth eaten winter sweaters. And Granny Hat’s rebel method may have been original but was certainly more work; it took many back breaking trips to ferry those duds out to the “dock”,  pile them on the raft, conduct a photo shoot, then sort and separate.  Piles of clothing weigh a TON, the burden of them has been heavy on Granny’s mind for too long. All of the extra labor made it very easy to let go of sentimental feelings and say goodbye. She had a Joni Mitchell moment wishing for a river to “float away on”.

But before she could properly christen her craft with some bubbly (thank you, Martinellis) peril struck, disaster on the high seas!  The whole load capsized, spilling Granny Hat over the starboard side, clutching her life preserver.  Ahoy there matey, it is dangerous to own so many clothes!

“Sailing, takes me away
To where I’ve always heard it

Just a dream and the wind to carry me
Soon I will be free”  Christopher Cross

Granny Hat says to sail on down that river, shed the burden, sentence your extra junk to walk the plank!  You won’t regret it! Bon Voyage!